how true

I saw this on my good friend Berkleys blog today.

It is so true.

I love the fact that I do know that Heavenly Father knows who I am.

really.

especially when i forget.

:)

Also, I have learned recently that I certianly need Heavenly Fathers, and Christs daily awareness in my life, in order to be who I want to be.

I know they are aware of me, I just have to be actively seeking them.

truth be told. :)

Something to be proud of

In Montgomery Gentry Fashion, a list of things I am proud of:

• I have not only been out of the country, but have lived out of the country. twice.
•  I have visited over 5 continents.
•  I put together a benefit for the greater good.
• I'm in the works of planning my own majour caroling fiasco
•  I have payed in cash for every car I've owned. Crappy doesn't matter now baby.
•  my relationship has lasted a splendid 10 months, through super thick and extremely thin.
•  a few of my high school dreams came true. ahem* senior ball.
•  I currently am working 2 jobs that aren't in food, and that I truly enjoy and learn a lot from.
•  I have a relationship with all of my family members.
• I did do the college thing. if even but a day, i did it.
• I'm still best friends with my High School best friends. For life, i kid you not.

Sometimes it feels good to take a step back and realize that even though you aren't in a place in life you would have visualized yourself..

You are still good.

:)

growing up

I'm not rather sure why I choose tonight to let you in,

but nonetheless, here's a peak into my personal life.

To say the last couple of months have been a breeze or a dream come true, would be a lie. A lie that might actually get me to laugh a little bit, it's so outragious.

No, in fact, the past couple of months in my history have been

loaded.

preasuring.

scary.

daunting.

unimagineable.

difficult.

strange.

and I'm sure many more inapporiate words.

In the past couple of months, my boyfriends son was born.

He is a darling baby. Supposedly very happy and peaceful. I'm sure the kind of baby we all hope to be blessed with. His name is Paden.

In the past couple of months, I've recieved two new jobs.

Jobs I love and adore, and am so grateful for. But their demands can be a little daunting.

In the past couple of months, I have found myself in hidden debt that even the thought of it tends to make me want to drive off a cliff.

In the past couple of months, I've lost some sight into what always seemed to be a steady flow in my life. The Gospel, the Spirit.

In the past couple of months, I have had to deal with the most out rageous hormones I have ever dealt with. Seriously, I don't think i have ever been this high and low.. and that's saying something.

In the past couple of months, I have had thoughts and feelings that are almost over bearing. Ones I am not used to having. Ones that I feel are eating my spirit alive.

In the past couple of months, I have lost a large amount of contact with my very best friend in the entire existance of humanity.

In the past couple of months, a lot has happened.

Strangly, though my little world has crashed around me, there is still positive light. I think that no matter how bad life gets, there will always be those rays of hope. And I know I am loved enough, and fortunate enough, that God will never leave me completely in the dark. I don't know why, but he hasn't left me yet.

Often times I look at my life and wonder why I couldn't have just made it easier on myself and others. Why couldn't I make obvious choices that would propell me into the perfection our specific society desires to see in young women? Why couldn't I be happy with the demands of a normal life? To my dismay, I don't have an answer to this question. It isn't because i search out the difficult. And it isn't because I am trying to "say something", and it certainly isn't because i thought life "on the edge" would be fun..

No, there is simply no answer.

In fact, this seems to be my reoccuring theme. No answer. Surely all those who have passed through their twenties have felt this way before.. questioning every part of who they are, and where they are, and who the people around them are...

I guess I just can't seem to find the air hole of space, others around me seem to be dancing in.

I want to be on my own. I want to make my own decisions, and do exactly what i want to do, without being scared. I want to accomplish the things I have dreamed of accomplishing, and I want to be myself. entirely.

I guess in a way, I do want to grow up.

and in other ways, I don't.

But mostly, I want a place in my life where I can talk freely about how I feel, and what is going on.

I've elminated every outlet, and it seems to be slowely eliminating me.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is, life is hard.

and I am having a really really difficult time.

and I don't know what to do.

but i want the space and time to figure it out on my own.

and i am grateful for the goodness i still see everyday.

despite it all.

and i need to stop being afraid of you.

personal profoundness

sometimes when i get husseling and busseling about in a day,

and i forget to make time for anything,

and my moods are more then likely on the negative side,

a moment comes to my mind.

I was walking past the super market in China. I was alone, and enjoying my leisurely walk amongst the people of my city.

it wasn't anything spectacular. & it wasn't anything worth remembering.

but i'll never forget it.

this moment where I said to myself,

"You know, I am happy."

I have so very few moments like that. I don't know exactly why. Perhaps it's my deep self loathing, or my attitude towards anything "regular" life may offer. Perhaps it's from living within the walls of my own head for far too long...who truly knows.

but because of this inability to remain happy, moments like this i treasure deeply.

personal profoundness.

I wish I had more of these. 

so much

so much hidden. 

so many desires. 

so much change. 

so many long days. 

i should have doesn't count.

today I saw a man walking in this awful heat.

He was wearing long black pants, and a long sleeved shirt. 

His back was slightly hunched and you could tell that perhaps his day hadn't been the best of one. 

i thought to myself i should turn around and pick him up, take him to his destination.

but i didn't.

i think the choices like that one, are the ones i will regret most. 

real life update.

I'm sure most of you wouldn't believe what my life has consisted of this past week..

& I am sure that those of you who do know what it's consisted of have very real, and honest opinions. 

but with out dropping the deets, and without going over board, let me share with you a few things I have learned. And a few things I hope I can stay true to. 

1. Perhaps it is best to keep your goals, dreams, and ideas to yourself. It's not that other people are out to get you.. it's just that sometimes it's hard to believe in the extraordinary. It's hard to see that something besides the every day could still be possible. It's not a fault, it's just a forgotten truth. Instead, I hope I can keep my ambitions on the DL, thus when they do become reality.. everyone will benefit. :) And believe me, they WILL become a reality. 

2. God is good. And I think we, or at least I, under estimate his trust in us, me. I have been so overwhelmed with the opportunities that have been presented to me, and I owe it all to the plan of our Saviour. I am so humbled to know that he believes in me enough to pursue the task at hand. 

3. Often times when I kneel to pray I feel a begrudging feeling. How could I kneel to pray and ask for guidance and help, when I never listen to the offers already given to me? How could I kneel and think God will listen to me, when I don't listen to Him? How can I ask for His spirit to be with me, if I don't create a safe house for it to be carried? I don't know how.. but I do know that I still can. & that no matter what mistakes I made that day, or week, or that moment ago.. He'll still listen, and He'll still answer, and He'll still believe. Often times now I pray to have the negativity in my heart and mind to be released. This makes completing a prayer easier because I let myself loose of Satan's bands. I push through the grudges, and find the peace. 

4. A positive word goes a long way. And visa versa. Often times after I hear a negative opinion about something, I feel myself begin to carry that same feeling. I house it as if it was my own. Then when a topic arises in which a negative memory is triggered.. that memory is released. I have made myself a passer of the unhealthy & unattractive thoughts. I don't like that. I want to be a person who, despite everything, still has a positive thing to say about everyone, and everything. At the end of each day, I want to feel myself grow a little closer to the example of Jesus Christ. There in lies happiness. 

5. Sometimes a stake out with your best friend and a bean and cheese burrito is exactly what we need. 

6. It bothers me that answers to some of life's offerings... are pre-created. I think it is so important for each of us to push past our first initial thoughts, the thoughts that have some how embedded themselves within us, & search for what we truly think is right. I think it would surprise many people that what they truly think, is opposite of their already given opinion. We can't be afraid to be different. We can't be afraid to truly live on the bright side. We can't be afraid to answer life's questions with a thumbs up. 

This past week should have been challenging. It should have shaken me from the core, and rocked my whole world. I should feel overwhelmed, mis-guided, and scared. But you know what I feel instead? For the first time in quite awhile.. I feel inspired. I feel loved. I feel peace and contentment. I feel the drive and the passion to continue my life in such a way that others will truly be inspired by the way I have answered life's questions. 

I feel like I fell in love with an incredible man. I know that every day he offers me another reason to love him more. 

I feel like God believes in me, that He loves me. 

I feel driven to succeed. 

& perhaps the first time in forever.. I truly believe in myself. I know I can conquer the task at hand. 

Through humility, guidance, & love... we can do anything. :)

what's waiting

We live life to discover something far greater than ourselves.

 something that unlocks the secrets of the world, releases peace, and binds hate.

 that wraps us in a blanket of tranquility.

 This is our goal. 

our soul purpose.

 So why do we often step into a trance of "life"? 

Whats waiting is far greater than what can be made.

 and the best part is,

 we find it not when we are about to die. 

but when we are about to live.

(wrote this when i was thirteen. I think i was smarter back then.)

i'll tell you who you are.

You’re lazy.

You’re not good enough.

You complain too much.

You’re negative.

You can’t control yourself.

You weight too much.

You dress ugly.

You walk to slow.

You eat too fast.

You don’t read good things.

You don’t think of others.

You sleep in too long.

You stay up too late.

You never do what you say you’re going to do.

You don’t keep promises.

Your thoughts are pointless.

Your actions meaningless.

Your looks worthless

Your rooms a mess

Your homework sucks

You’re always late.

You always disappoint.

You smell bad

You are bad.

You’re a terrible example

A horrible sister.

You’re never forgiven,

Always forgotten.

You never smile.

Your laugh is gross.

You have a double chin.

Your thighs are wide,

And your chest is flat.

You think your so special.

You’re incapable of being loved.

You are an embarrassment to your mom,

And your dad could care less about you.

Your mannerisms are the worst,

And you annoy me.

You’ll never amount to anything,

You’re really nothing great.

You’ll end being a life failure,

because you never work hard enough.

You’re too tall,

You’re too wide.

That is who you are.

THEY, think. 

challenge everything.

Against everyone and their dogs will, I'm still jobless. 

I still haven't decided upon school. 

& I still am not ready to take any life altering steps. 

Sorry, but not sorry. 

I realized last night, through all the stress and worry, that I am okay with waiting for that "pull." That I can appreciate the time it takes to make a good decision. & I am grateful I have the ability to do so. Even though that "ability" is questioned by a few, or a lot. 

I am not a fraud, I do not wish to be waited upon, I am independent, I do not scoundrel, I am not sad, I do not use or abuse, I am grateful.

I'm in love with a great man. He is honest, hard working, kind hearted, fearless, & passionate about what he wants in his life. I appreciate and love all of these qualities about him. Perhaps more right now in this very moment, then ever before. 

why?

Because him and i are completely opposite and so much the same. His way of life is a beautiful one, and I can rest assured knowing he will get where he wants/needs to be, when he wants/needs to be there. And by accepting, and believing this, I have come to the knowledge that just as his way of life is spectacular, as is mine. 

It's different then his, but I have the same amount of passion and belief in my ideas as he has in his. so, they are the same. 

i believe that dreams and goals can be achieved in a numerous amount of ways. I believe that there is no set sequence to life. I believe that we must live first, and work second. I believe we must put our hearts and souls into whatever it is we dream about. I believe that waiting is a game for fools. I believe that imagination should never run dry, and doing odd things is a good thing. I believe a house with a thousand spare bedrooms, is better then a house with a few larger fun rooms. I believe country life is essential, and city life is superb. I believe we can be everything we want to be all at once. I believe in people. I believe in princess. I believe in me. 

It used to drive me up the wall when J would tell me I was thinking about things the wrong way. Now I appreciate those comments, because it means I'm staying true to the differences that make me who I am. 

I'll challenge everything. 

bippity boppity boo

Sometimes i wish i was or had a fairy god mother. How totally wonderful and awesome would that be? I'd wish for well, world peace of course. & then some more selfish things.. like..


 to be able to travel to China and the U.S in the blink of an eye.


to loose the bread weight i've gained in just this past week... 


for time to speed up and slow down, so i can be with jeremy longer, and sooner. all at the same time. 


to be two inches taller so i can at least be 6 feet. Hey, if you're gonna be tall, why not do it right, right? 


for my bangs to grow. dreadful things wont stop tickling my cheeks. ever. 


& to be tired when i should be, and wide awake when i should be. 


Of course I'll also wish for awesome things like a pool full of noodles, and a dog that could talk... but we don't have much time for silly wishes. (rather, we have all the time in the world. seriously.) 


and, that is what i am here to talk about. 


how backward, forward, sideways, rotten, & pristine we all are. 


Being back in the states has been a true eye opener for me. Spiritually, and in all other forms and matters. 


I don't mean to come back to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave and mock life styles. Or pass judgement on everyone living their own little lives. But I do wonder how far we have let ourselves drift from the true reality of life. 


I began this post with talk of a fairy godmother, and sometimes i have to think we aren't too far off from believing in this reality. But not in the white haired, blue dress, chubby cheek kind of reality. But the get-what-you-want-when-you-want-it kind. 


the instant-ness of life. 


I think we all to often see people working hard with no reward, and others hardly working with all the reward. We see poor judgments and selfish acts being glorified and upheld. We hear music and watch films that are tasteless and flooded with emptiness, and worst of all we often find (or more correctly loose) ourselves drifting from consciousnesses as we go about our daily mindless habits. The ability to have what we want, when we want it; and in any way we want it...has essentially ruined us. Humanity. 


though you must understand i don't believe we are ruined forever.


We have forgotten what makes us truly incredible creatures. the ability to dream, the ability to change our circumstances. We have the power to build better futures and lives for all living things around us. We have the power to enjoy and not just endure our existence. 


As humans, and especially as Americans, we have the ability to obtain our truest forms. our greatest divine natures. Godliness.


let this be a plea to myself, and all others who feel the same,  to finally say "enough is enough." and mean it. My mind was created for wonderful beautiful things. And i won't allow the drains of publicity, and the thoughts of corrupted, or negative others affect me. and I don't need to concern myself with habits that clog the brain. Whether they be physical or mental. Our minds need to be set free. 


if there is one thing living in China has taught me, it's that no matter our circumstance, we can be happy. 


less is more. 


ramble. ramble. 

13 happy things

1. Fitting perfectly with your snuggle buddy.

2. sugar cookie fruit pizza's. mini size of course. 

3. the colours coral and mint. 

4. sharing a lemonade in the sun with someone who makes you smile.

5. laughing so hard you just. can't. stop.

6. when you wear your sweethearts clothing. especially the real baggy ones.  

7. green lights.

8. warm air, and untangled hair. 

9. sun dresses and sunglasses. 

10. bracelets that jingle jangle.

11. smiling to yourself. 

12. finding happy love notes from unknowns. 

13. star gazing in warmth. 

photo credit

A tribute to my parents:

Dear Parents, 


    In light of you coming in only a matter of three days all the way across the world to visit your daughter, I'd like to share a few things with you. Things I love about each of you, things I am grateful for, and whatever else spurs in my mind at the moment. 


     One of my favourite things about you guys is that you still love each other. Life hasn't dealt you the best of hands, but I'm willing to bet neither of you would admit that. Through thick and thin, and very very thin, you have stuck together. You have remained on each others side, and showed the world, and most importantly your kids, that love DOES work. And it can work forever, no matter what. That lesson is often lost in this world, but how grateful I am that you two were able to prove the world wrong. My personal romance story to always believe in. I doubt anything could top the romance you two have created. :)


     I am so grateful for the individuals you are. Dad, you are the most humble, gentle, hard working, honest, caring, tannest, blue eyed, sweetest, most faithful man I know. Countless times you have brightened awful days just by being there. I remember one time I was having such a bad day at school.. so you drove, literally, all the way up to the front doors of the school, and we shared a Little Ceasers entire pizza. You don't know how much that meant to me. :)
     Every little moment with you counts. Singing awesome 80's songs in the morning before school, learning to cook on the grill, and all those times you allowed me to be weird in front of people. haha, each one of those moments is a treasure to me. And I look forward to them all. :) But dad, something  you should know I am most grateful for, are your Fathers Blessings.
      How lucky I have been to have such an incredible, sweet man lay his hands upon my head, and bless me with peace, blessings, comfort, or whatever it was I really needed. Even though I have been away from you for five months, I can still feel the way your hands softly touch my head, and how your fingers move slightly all through out the prayer. If I am being completely honest with you, most times I don't remember what you say in your blessings because I am already so consumed with feeling such peace and love by just the touch of your hands, and the clearing of your throat. Those moments will forever mean the most to me. 
       Thank you, for being worthy to uphold your priesthood, for being willing to council and guide me, and for sharing your spirit with mine. I love you dad. You are the most important man in my life. And I pray every day that the man I marry reminds me of you. Because then I will know that, like mom, I chose the best egg. :) 
       Mama, though it may sound odd, I am so glad you have always been my mom first, and my friend second. No matter what, you have always chosen to teach me to choose the right choice, instead of to fix whatever problems i had, with gossip, or anger, or belittling, or whatever I else I wanted to do. I know so many girls who's moms' advice I would never trust.. and that has only instilled my trust in yours. I know that no matter what, you will lead me in the right direction. You always have, and you always will. 
       Mom, thank you for teaching me about never giving up, about loving unconditionally, and about finding the joy in the journey. I have never met a stronger, more faithful, or more loving woman than you. And I doubt I ever will. Through each trial or experience thrown at you, to me, you have always come out on top. You have never stopped looking to the Lord, and you have always kept going. Kept pushing forward, and because of this.. you have succeeded. I wonder if you know how it feels to have a super hero as a mother. Because I can tell you right now... it's the most incredible feeling in the world. :) 
     Besides being the best mother, and constant Christ like example, you have also always been my friend. You have always respected me, and believed in me. Even if I didn't see it sometimes. You have always been my biggest fan, and my largest support system. One small example that meant the world to me is that one day we met at Bajio in Washington to share a lunch together. Though it wasn't really anything, I learned that day that I wanted you to be my best friend,and that i wanted to make you proud. That day you gave me money just to help me out, even though I know you didn't really have the ability too. You also asked me if I would come over to the house more often so we could chat. That question lead to one of the most profound moments I think we've ever had. I'll never forget you reading to me Uchtdorf's talk, baring your testimony, and then reminding me of my own. 
    Mom, it's because of that moment alone, that I know I will NEVER give up on my testimony or the church. I will always believe in God. And I will always believe in the goodness of others, and also myself. You taught me that by loving me. By sharing with me what I needed to hear,from my greatest example. You. I love you mom. And when I say I honestly couldn't ask for a better mother and friend, I mean it. We are so much alike, and I know life only holds more good memories for us to share together. And I can't wait. :)

     Another thing I am extremely (especially now) grateful for is the way you raised me and my siblings. There are so many aspects of your parenting that I admire, and hope to transfer to my own parenting skills. You have loved us no matter what. No matter how we have ended up thus far, or what we have done, nothing has stopped you from unconditionally loving us. And I know nothing will. I have heard of so many parents giving up on their kids, or disowning them, or just not caring to keep that great of a relationship with their children... but I have always felt so opposite from you two. You have supported me, cared for me, respected me, and taught me to become a person I can be proud of. I will never be able to repay you for the happiness, peace, and confidence this has given me. 


   I know that raising us wasn't easy. Especially me. I mean, I stuck a hose through your bathroom window while you were on a date and flooded your bathroom/room.I was constantly giving you grief with Kara, and I can't count the amount of times i called and called and called and called your names at 10 o'clock at night until YOU got out of bed to turn off MY light. Yeah, no angel inside of me whatsoever. haha :)
    But you stuck it through. You taught me the principals you believed in, and exemplified. And out of an incredibly rough rock, you smoothed me into a river stone. Or at least, gave me the tools I needed to get myself all the way there. Teaching me to clean, to pick up after myself, to respect others, to respect myself, to stay humble, to never gossip, to remain close to the Lord, to always search for the bright side, to learn from misfortunes, to work hard, and to always always always show your love. I am who I am today, because of you two. And though that may not seem like a great accomplishment.. I know what I could have been.. and let me tell you, it's the greatest accomplishment in the world.  


   I still have so much to learn from you two. And you know, perhaps for the first time in my life, I'm excited for that. ;) I am excited for you to tell me that I was wrong, and that I could have done better. But you know what I am most excited for? To have my parents be my best friends. :) I couldn't ask for anyone better. And I hope with all my heart that I DO become like you two. I hope that when people meet me, they will know that my parents were great people. :) 


   I love you two more than anything in the world. And I am practically flipping out CONSTANTLY with excitement for the arrival of you two in China. It will be a week to ALWAYS remember. And how blessed I am that I get to share my experience, and the beginning of my, hopefully, career, with the two most wonderful people in my life. I love you. Safe travels, I'll see you on the flip side in exactly one week. :) 


with all my love, 

           Kirsten. 

 Fishermans Wharf. My parents got engaged in San Fransico. :)

 Waiting for the train after our flight to San Fran. It was such a good trip with my parents and best friend. We were able to see so many sights, hear about their engagement, eat yummy pizza & pretzels, and see my uncle for a bit. :)

 A family photo from awhile back. :)

 the girls in the fam. :)

All the kids. We're pretty fly. :)

aint nothin better than a family in blue jeans :) 

the boys of the family.. haha

so in love. :)

 My parents with Tyler, my little cute cousin. ( don't get freaked out, but this picture makes me excited for my parents to be grandparents. :) ) 

 me and my dad. This is the best picture I have of us two... that's gotta change this week. haha

just my parents being their hot selves. :) 

I LOVE my family!

One of the places...

where I've always wanted to find myself... 

is real. 

I still remember the first time my friend Jadon showed me this picture, probably four years I ago. 

I cried. 

A little green town, underneath the Swiss Alps. 

something tells me part of me belongs there. 

tonight

I spent my time...

 talking old times and missions with some good friends. 

discussing business cards and post cards and all other sorts of cards. 

finding out that Jeremy's oldest sister will be having a bouncing baby boy. 

modeling some of the already purchased scarves. 

grinning from ear to ear as some lovely Christmas tunes played.

talking risky business with Robby. 

emailing my mama a thousand times back and forth, that lady makes me laugh. :) 

reading the sceee-rips.

& pondering life. 

It has been, and still is, such a peaceful lovely night. :)

{scarf photo's following}

{sorry for the re-peat insta followers..}

 tried to squeeze in some more incentive.. haha :)

:)

China lately

wowzers. Two Thankful Thursday posts right after each other. I better start doing some more blogging, eh? 

Things have been pretty busy around here lately. Well, China busy. 

I spend my mornings cleaning the house, and slightly cleaning up myself.. slightly. haha. and then head off to school. 

Our final performance for the semester is coming up, and we've been practicing none stop for it! The little ones are so darn cute though, and each day they get a little bit better. Though practice's seem to drag on when their little heads can't stay quiet for more than three seconds. haha :) 

After school, life is all about Jacob's Scarves. oh, and the sun. We are now doing a contest with Jacob's Scarves to hopefully generate some more donations and such. It's been working great! We've also ordered our personal tags for each scarf, and our business cards are in the works! It's been so wonderful! 

When we're not working on JS's things, you can usually find us enjoying the sun shine, (we get so little of it sometimes!) devouring fruit, watching a movie, or taking a Chinese lesson. 

Our favourite lesson thus far is learning how to do traditional Chinese painting! It looks so easy, but is actually sooo hard. But we love it! And (because I know J doesn't read my blog) just between the two of us, I am painting him a landscape picture with his favourite quote on it, in Chinese, for one of his souvineers. :) I am pretty excited. Cross your fingers I won't mess it up too bad! haha

And, that pretty much sums up life lately here in China. 

Occasionally we will get random spurts of joy. Such as yesterday some Government officials asked us to perform for our city on the 15th this month. That should be a night to remember! And today Jennie and I made a chocolate cake in our rice cooker. :)

Every moment counts now. And life in China is ending with so much goodness! I have loved every moment. :) 

However, I can't lie about how excited I am to see my friends and family, and especially my sweetheart. :)

16  more days to go! 

 so, i, uh, saw a camel on my way to the grocery store the other day.. yup. it happened. 

 after performing Lady Gaga again for Childrens Day

 Met this kid when we went to see one of our students sister perform. He loved talking to us in English! But it made me miss Sergey SOOOO much!

 My little Abby. She is such a cute spaz.

 This little guy was tied up to a long string by his foot. Jacob's grandma caught him so Jacob could play with him.. cute idea, but it was so sad. :( They eventually let him go.. i think.

 after fan-kung fu practice. It was SUCH a hot day!

 my new skirt. loooooove it! 

 out to dinner with Boston and Lee at our favourite Cantonese restaurant. :) 

 I can't get enough of Jennies face in this picture!!

 Jacob attacking me after school with my own water gun. What a stud. :)

apple vinegar drink. not too shabby, not too shabby.

 These cute girls might be in ILP next year. Their so adorable!

Walking street at night. :)