One Day Without Shoes

I've been in the process of designing t-shirts again. 

{seriously so excited to reveal my newest idea!}

 Going through the process of finding designs and what kind of t-shirts I want to be in the market for has brought back memories of doing the awesome "ODWS" t-shirts. 

I don't think I ever posted about how great that whole experience was for me. And how grateful I was for all who participated. 

It was such an awesome experience to see our whole school join in and come to school barefoot.{despite many teachers disapproval, we had an awesome principal. :)}

It was incredible to have people I'd never met before join us in our walk down the boulevard barefoot.

One guy, at a gas station, took his shoes off right then and gave them to us. 

My dad had massive blisters on his feet for supporting the cause. I was so proud of him. :)

and I'm pretty sure my friend Cas went to the emergency room for her blisters. 

The Boulevard wasn't a short walk, but everyone stuck it through, and made an impact that day. 

Though we are so privileged to have shoes to wear here in our comfortable homes, there are many in the world who don't have that privilege. Raising awareness for this cause has changed the lives of thousands. Because all of us, together, joined the movement.. today one more kid is wearing a pair of shoes to school. :)

The choices you make have endless effects you may never see.

The whole thing was utterly awesome. And I still love when I see people wearing those shirts 4 years later. 

TOMS, One for One. Thank you for living your dream so we could participate in a better future.

We made a difference. :) 

{thanks to all you awesome people who took photo's of this day!}

a letter to a friend.

Dear You,

   I wish I could make you happy. I wish I could wipe away your layers, and help set you free. I wish you could see you, the way I do. and maybe most of all, I wish we didn't have to leave each other. 

  Tonight, I realized that you are gonna be one of the people I miss the most. This doesn't make much sense to me, because its not like we hung out, or talked all the time. But there is something about you, that moves something in me. When I see you, I feel this connection that I wish I had words to describe. Perhaps its a feeling of unfinished business; that I have more to tell you, to show you. Or perhaps its just an awareness that you are indeed a wonderful person, thus the difficulty of leaving you is only expected. Whatever the reason though, there is no mistaking that there is a sense of connection. For me. If that even be the right word.

    I know I already elaborated slightly on this subject in your yearbook, but I wish to go further into what I mean. What I think of you.

    I think your brave. You have gone through quite the chunk of stuff in your life. Whether it be in your family, or school, or with friends. You've had your fair share of trouble. Yet, I get a sense of bravery from you. A feeling that, through it all, you remain to know there is still a light somewhere. That is true strength. An admirable trait. 

    I think you are going to go somewhere in life. You have applied yourself, and worked so hard, to become the achiever you currently are; that there is no denying, you will get what you want. I have no doubt you will finish your schooling preferences, serve a worthy mission, and become a great whatever you are to be. But, not only in the aspect of education will you go places, but also in the area of relationships. By that I'm not saying your life is going to be full of wonderful companionship's  from women, but rather that because of the application of yourself, you will be able to build strong relationships with many different people in your life. And with those relationships, you will be able to be a strong anchor for those in need. You will be able to help save and change lives; simply by living and enduring your own. And with both of these main achievements, you WILL go far. Its inevitable. 

    I think your too hard on yourself. I feel like you don't give yourself enough credit. And, that perhaps if you did, you would be able to make an even bigger difference in your life and in others'. You need to believe more in yourself. You have too much to offer, to just keep holding it back. Don't be afraid, its time. When you cover yourself up, for whatever reason, you loose the intense power, I KNOW lies within you, to conquer your battles, to make a difference, and to create truth. Its not worth it. Perhaps you feel the pain of true rejection will be harder to deal with, or perhaps you believe your not as great as what people think you are; Whatever the reason, I assure you your wrong. Be nice to yourself kid, and watch the liberation come. 

   I think your handsome. suave. and that you deserve the best of the best when it comes time for you to settle down. 

   I think that you have a special place in my heart. That you always have. I'm not sure why I feel this way. Why I wish to understand you, to be your friend, to help you, but I am glad I do. I am glad I have the opportunity to know you, to be around you, to listen to you. I am glad for the times I am able to help you, because helping you brings my heart so much gratification, liberation, and love. Like I said, you have a sweet place in my heart. And every time I see you it softens, and deepens. Thus you have made your mark; and I WILL NOT forget you. How could I? 

   And last but not least, I want you to know that I am here for you. I always am. and always will be. 

 Though my lack of words make my expressions difficult to fully translate, I hope you understand what I am trying to express. I hope you see that you are loved. and that in the end, the most important part of all this is for you to know and understand that you will always have a friend in me. I love you man. 

Love, 

    Kiri
  

Can't sleep.

Its almost four in the morn. And I can't sleep. Do you know what that means? 

Death. 

well, not really. It just means that, most likely, for the next week, my sleeping patters are going to be horrible. I always get this way when I have far too much on my mind. And then the habits just stick with me. Not much I can do about it either. So, your forced to watch and read all my purgings. But don't worry, I'll hold back some of them, as to not make you weary. I hope. okay,so let me just mention five things that are on my mind.

1. My blog.

2. Getting stuff

3. Chad.

4. this really good song.

and 5. other peoples blogs.

My blog:

     My blog is a funny thing to me. I really just started it because I was sick of buying journals, and of my hand not being able to catch up with my brain while hand writing. I started it because I wanted a place to write down all the intense, and cluttered things going through my head constantly. And now? People actually read it. and like it. haha, thats just to weird to me. But I'm super glad. It makes me want to blog more. journal more. And I love journaling. So, thank you. I hope I do not waste your time. and I can bring a little bit of something good to you. and for you. :)

Getting stuff:

     There are sort of a lot of things I want right now. and this time I'm actually talking material stuff. I've made a list. Its not a very long list. ish.. ha. but it sure is an expensive one. 

•    a nice camera i can take to Russia with me. I don't care what it is, I just want myself to like its quality and efficiency.
•    a laptop. So i can continue my vice of blogging whilst in Russia. 
•    new pants. ones that make me feel good. 
•    3,000 dollars to take with me to Russia. So I can travel more, and experience more. and worry much less.
•   a cute warm jacket I can take to Russia. One that I'll LOVE to wear, since I'll be pretty much rockin in twenty four seven.
•   boots. winter boots. SAFE winter boots. :)
•   and last but not least, a hot summer tan. ;)

Luckily, I have this wonderful women in my life who taught me all about how to get what you need slash want. All through the power of your own mind. It is such a beautiful concept. Much like the "Secret". So, I fully intend on putting my mind powers to work. I'll share more of this on a later date. 

Chad:

  hehe. I don't know if I can say much about him, cause I didn't ask for permission to brag about him. ;) so I'll just quickly say a few things. 

• I'm lucky.
• He's smart.
• we are SO not alike. but only a little bit. 
• I'm taller.
• aaaand, fun is good. :) 

 This really good song: 

My friend just posted it on her blog. and I loooooved loved loved it! She called it the perfect summer jam. I think she is correct. Even listen for yourself. :)

and other peoples blogs: 

Here are some I frequently look at. Because they are full of great things that are bound to make you happy. :)

miss lex.

365 days of twenty

Here's a bit of whit.

colour me katie

and this one isn't really a blog. but i just found it. and liked it. so, here ya go as well. :)

well, there you have it. five things I'm currently thinking about. Shortened and un-elaborated of course. 

and please forgive me, it is four o'clock in the morning after all... ;)

best advice;

just have fun.

will do. :)

post post post post post. I know. sorry.

 but!

I just want to show you all some of my beautiful friends.

This is Mrs. Hank. or Ham. or Hamster. or Hanky. or Hannah. 

This is Alison.

This is Ashley Shay.

This is Berkley.

  

This is CarlyRae.

This is Chantay. or Chicken. 

This is Makes.

This is Mike. Michael.

This is Paige. 

and, last but not least. This is Rachel. 

p.s.

I've learned to love photographing beautiful people. So let me know if you want something done. I'm free cause I'm a kid. and I just simply enjoy it. :)

heavens

Last school year I had the opportunity to meet someone who has changed my life.

simply by living and believing his own. 

recently he told me this. And I wish to share it, because its quite simple. and quite beautiful. Please enjoy it. and embrace it. and see it. 

"My philosophy is that everyone should have a heaven or two. No matter how much trauma is facing you in the external world, if you can retreat to an internal heaven, you're untouchable." 

He speaks of walking through life, and discovering heavens within. Whether they be tangible, or simply an imagination, he believes them to be most impactful. and needed.

I believe him.

just so happy. :)

okay. I'm seriously so bad at keeping my word. I think its because I'm afraid I won't keep it. haha, right? 

oh my.. :) 

ANYWAY. maybe I'll start today. 

but after I tell you something, something so so serious. something.. WONDERFUL!

I am officially the HAPPIEST I'VE BEEN IN A LONG TIME. 

and it feels WONDERFUL! :)))

I was at work today, and couldn't stop bouncing, smiling, laughing, and all of the other joyous actions you do. My happiness swells from a lot of things currently. Such as, summer is here!, Russia is working out just perfectly, I'm meeting new people, I got TWO great jobs!, aaaaannnd, I have someone-ish. to share all of the above with! hehe la!

I seriously feel like a school girl. a leetle leetle school girl. and quite frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

pardon me. ;)

also, i attached a photo of a little summer fun. :) 

I hope everyone is happy, happy, HAPPY!

let me know if you need anything. :)

remember and a side note.

Remember when I said the day after I graduate I'm going to take a picture everyday for a year, post it, and then blog a little about my day? Just to see where a year out of high school would take me? Well. I'm still gonna do that. I just haven't yet. cause I'm worried I won't have that option in Russia. And then the plan won't really work... But I'll figure something out. so don't be too down hearted ;) it shall come.


and, oh yeah.


I graduated High School!

and, this is Chad. :))))

What if you knew you were going to die?

What if you knew when you were going to die? What if by some strange phenomena, you knew your time line? What if you knew that within a few short weeks.. your time line ended? What would you say to those you loved? What legend would you wish to leave behind? How would you handle it? What if you were 18, about to graduate high school, and with a bright future ahead of you? Would you feel accomplished? Would you get greedy and beg God for more time? Or would you look forward to meeting him face to face? How would you spend your last few weeks on earth? How would you come to grips that all your dreams, were never meant to be? Would you feel like you lived a legacy? Like you did your deeds?  How would you prepare your family and friends.. without them thinking your crazy?

..What if you knew when you were going to die?

You hear stories about it all the time.. People getting a hunch that their time is near. So they write letters to their children, plant final gardens, or do that one thing they've always wanted to do, like bungee jump. I know you have heard of them. In stories. But what if, you were about to meet one? What if one of those stories was about to become personal to you? How would you deal with the loss of a loved one? Or, someone you didn't really know, but said "Hi" to in the halls? What if that person was supposed to walk behind you in the graduation line? How do you deal with the loss of someone you know? You loved?

or better yet, how do you leave behind people you love? How do you willingly, let it all go? How..do you become okay with the idea, that your life ends at age 18?

If I were to..die. To get some random sickness, or end up in a car wreck, there are so many things I would want people to know, I wouldn't know where to start. Each individual I know, whether it be someone I acknowledge in the hallway, or my own mother..has something I know I need to say to them. And, say, my time WAS running out, or, ran out, what would happen to my purpose? Would I have failed? or would it be carried through, through other sources? There are so many things to think about, when your about to die. ..I would imagine.

Its an odd thing, living like your going to die. I'm not sure how I feel about it.. but that only leads to the question..

If you were going to die, would you want to know? ...

IF I do..die, soon. I would want these things to be known:
1. I believe in God. I believe that from the moment I die, I will be in utter peace. Surrounded by people I love, and by people who have watched me through out my life. I believe I will see my Father face to face, and I hope to say he will look at me in the eyes, and greet me back home, lovingly. I. BELIEVE. IN. GOD.

2. I love my family. Honestly, I don't think I could have picked a better father and Mother. They were exactly right for me. Trustworthy, honest, kind, gentle. Always pushing me to be a little better. My parents are my angels. I look forward to spending forever with them. and that goes for my siblings as well. I do realize that we aren't the best to each other. That we probably fight more than we love. But nonetheless, it wouldn't be Heaven without them. I DO love them. My brothers, and my sister. Why God has blessed ME, with such a beautiful strong family, is beyond me. But I am grateful, and will be forever in debt for them. For that blessing.

3. I love my extended family. I never felt more loved, then when I was with you guys. On BOTH sides. Though each of you played a different roll in my life, all of you played a big roll. I've learned so much from all of you, and have shaped who I am, because of you. Sometimes I catch myself stuck in total awe, as to why I am lucky enough to have family, such as you guys. I don't deserve all of you. But I am glad to have you. I can only hope that I was as much help to you, as you were to me. At least in some way. I love my family. I always will. Though my life may end, my love won't. I'll believe that, forever.

4. When I die, I'm not sure HOW I'll die. I'm not sure if it will be a car wreck, or a mis-calculation on perscription drugs, or one of those freaky "all of the sudden" type things. BUT, if for some reason, my death involves others. ie; driver of a car, doctors fault, or someone threw a baseball too hard..I hope they know that I would NEVER hold them accountable for ending my life. and I would NEVER blame them. I have come to believe, that EVERYTHING, and I mean, everything, happens for a reason. I may not know why, but  I do know it was by design. You were meant to kill me. ( your supposed to laugh at that ;) ) But seriously, when something happens to me, don't blame yourself. I'll be so mad if you do. Please. Also, know that I love you. Even if  I didn't know you, had I have gotten the privilege, I probably would have. So its the same thing. :)

5. God has blessed me WAY beyond what I have deserved. Not only was I graced with a perfect family, but I was also fortunate enough to have incredible people walk into my life. From friends, to teachers, to co-workers, to random people on the streets. (Literally.) I honestly kneel down to pray every night and ask my God, "why? why you have you sent me so many wonderful people, when I deserve nothing?" I've never received an answer, but nonetheless, I have always been grateful. The people that have been involved in my life, have helped create my final character. I am who I am, because of you guys. And, not only that. But by knowing you, you helped me serve. I was able to, I believe, accomplish my mission on earth, solely because I knew you all. I was sent here, to serve. To be Gods hands. ..And if it wasn't for you, there would be nowhere for these hands to go. So I thank you all, everyone I know, for that grace. That opportunity. I truly was a blessed, and loved daughter of God. I love you.

6. at my funeral, Chantay and Trina better cry. ;)

sigh, I'm sure there are many more things to be said, at the end of someones life. Whether it be 18 years or 80 years.. But for now, for tonight. These six things will stand to be. to all of whoever it applies to. (Which is all of you, in case you didn't pick that up.)

But, in the end, to answer my own question: Are you afraid to die?

Yes. But I owe more than my life to my God. So, terrified or not, I would die. Besides, death is going to be a great adventure, dontchya think? ;)


...

some thinking

I've been thinking a lot lately, always healthy. aaaand, you know what I've been thinking? about growin up. and being together.

I am growing up. You know that? I just don't know, HOW, I'm growing up. In all the wrong ways, probably. I'm taking on responsibility, and i hate it. I'm making big decisions, and i'm terrified of it. I'm sitting more, eating more, and laughing less. and I feel more and more dull everyday. this is called growing up. I, still want to be a kid. I wanna play in the dirt, and come home after dark, and kiss boys, and wear no shoes or make-up to the store. I wanna sing at the top of my lunges while driving down the street, and bash my computer to pieces. Yes. I DO want to do that. 

too bad I'm growing up now. because now I gotta be boring.

Now, to being together. 

Being an eighteen year old, GIRL, I am fully entitled to making the statement of: I WANT A BOYFRIEND. Sure that's a little blunt, drastic, and needy. But I don't care much anymore. let it be known to the world, that I WANT TO BE LOVED. I see nothing wrong with that. I want someone to share stories with, to understand me. I want to hang out at someones house, and fall in love with a new family. I want to bake cookies, and laugh the whole time. I want to take long drives, and park at the airport. I want to feel the wind in my hair, and an arm around my waist. I want to get excited when I see someone, feel butterflies when his name appears on my phone. i want, (and according to my mom, NEED) someone to get ready for. i want to do all the cliche wonderful things you see in the movies. 

is this a crime? a sin? if it is..than lock me up.

because I just can't help it.

one day without shoes

lets do it.

thankful thursdays begin here too?

there is this wonderful girl, and this wonderful girl, and they write wonderful lists of things they are grateful for.

I think, they do it mostly on Thursdays.

"thankful Thursdays."

aaaannnd, I seriously like the idea. 

so I think I'm going to REALLY  be their followers, and start this tradish too?

but today, it will be on Saturday. because I just can't wait to get my list out. :)

THANKyou. 

1. I'm thankful for work. and bosses that keep their promises. 
2. I'm thankful for new dresses that are modest.
3. I'm thankful for my whole families safty. They are always so safe. 
4. I'm thankful for Charlie. and that he is safe serving in Chile.
5. I'm thankful for 365 days of twenty. I'm going to do this starting the DAY i graduate. Thats soon kids!
6. I'm thankful for such good songs. Like "a song to sing" -Hilary weeks.
7. I'm thankful for My mommy. She works two jobs. has five children. a tough church calling. and is still beautiful and strong. & she loves me, even though she doesn't have too.
8. I'm thankful for sunshine, and when its sunshine during spring break.
9. I'm thankful for my grandpap. He is a funny guy. Gives me heart attacks, but he's still funny.
10. I'm thankful for the song "I wouldn't mind"-he is we. I keep replaying, and replaying, and replaying. SO good.
11. I'm thankful for ALL of my wonderful friends. They sing. they dance. they laugh. they eat. they laugh. they are smart. they laugh. they love me. & they are just they, I love that.
12. I'm thankful for 89.5, they are the best radio station
13. I'm thankful for my hair. I don't like it a lot right now, but I have it. and thats nice. 
14. I'm thankful for the Internationl Language Program , it gave me a place to go. 
15. I'm thankful for my beautiful cousin Tash. She is THE most beautiful person I have ever met. Really. 
16. I'm thankful for this post. I'm sure you'll understand why.
17. I'm thankful for surprise birthday parties for my frriiieeennnddsss. they give me something to do besides facebook, and blogging. AND I get to party with my friends. 
18. I'm thankful that I'm eighteen. Cause that means I can stop here. :)  

today, the sun is shinning.

Its spring break. But you wouldn't know, because lately the skies look..

really really really REALLY, COLD. 

and, the blasted weather matches it perfectly. 

BUT!

today, the SUN is shining.  

so, i'm going to make a cake, and drink some chocolate milk :)

{{ pictures coming later.}}  

I'm not depressed. I'm just crazy.

yup, here I am. just going a little crazy. No, really. I'm going a little crazy. Picture this: inside of my head, I am shaking my whole body, I'm screaming a terrible scream at the top of my lungs, i'm throwing myself on my bed, throwing things at the wall, and probably busting some brain cells because my head is throbbing with pain.but, on the outside? I sit calmly on a bench at stare at nothing...

crazy in my head. silent in my heart.lost in my soul.

this is how i feel right now. 

and i can't get it to stop.

I don't know what to contribute it too. my lack of spontaneity? my lack of feeling? all the stressful times soon to be arriving? the billions and trillions of rules and standards I must follow? mistakes I made? we ALL make? the feeling of not being enough? Like i said, I'm not sure what is causing this outburst in my soul, but its getting rather old. and, I'm afraid something is coming, and the consequences aren't going to be too good. 

    You know what I feel like? I feel like I'm a crazy person put in a white room, with a one steel bed in the corner, and a chair. I'm sitting there, and then I just can't take it anymore, I freak out. But before you know it, there's people right there, holding me down, telling me to shut up, and trying to stick some sort of medication in my thigh to make me go back to sleep. and, this is thus, the life i live. trapped in a white room, surrounded by people who think I'm crazy. BUT, in reality? THEY are the crazy ones. doing things they hate, just for money. Marrying people they don't love, just so they aren't lonely anymore. Going to school, because they are told, education is everything therefor, they are nothing without it. gorging themselves, or starving themselves, to become someTHING perfect. wasting away in emails, and texts, and online chats. leaving dusty books, old best friends, and favourite toys, ..behind. Laughing at imagination, prideful that they are smarter than children...its crippling. I feel crippled. I feel crazy. i feel lost. 

I'm not depressed. I'm just crazy. 

I feel so vulnerable sometimes too. Like anything could happen, and I wouldn't be able to do ANYTHING about it. I would be stuck. So, because i feel vulnerable, whats the point of  living an actual life. with friends and learning, and growing? if, at any second something could just wipe it all away? sometimes, more now than ever, i really feel like this. i feel like lying in my bed for eternity, and never waking up. Just...laying there. wasting away like a big lug. because i don't want to feel vulnerable anymore. So, if i surrender to this sensation, than i'm no longer vulnerable. I'm theirs.

I feel terrified too. I'm too afraid to graduate. to grow old. to move out. to make real choices. to go to Russia. to get married. to be a mom. to go to college. to be an adult. I often times find myself not wanting to go any farther in life than where I have already been. I really feel, sometimes, that perhaps dying young would be a much better solution. Because than I wouldn't have the stresses of all of the above. or the worries of not being good enough for my husband, or my children. If I never lived to become a grown up, I would never have the opportunity to fail as one. 

I feel like a disappointment too. I don't really want to go into this one. but let it be known, to whoever cares, that I am a 100% guaranteed failure. I mean, I'll fail at anything you give me. Actually, I'm SUCH a failure, i'm willing to bet you that if you gave me the task of failing, I would fail that too. ha, figure that one out. 

But, you know what. No matter how strong these feelings I have get. or how often, i get them. or how much crazier they seem to be the older I get...there is always ONE thing, that can stop them in their dangerous tracks. always ONE thing, that can wipe out, in an instant, all the OVERWHELMING feelings. always ONE thing, that brings me to my senses. Always ONE thing that calms my entire being. ..

and that is the spirit. 

The spirit that saves me, is often times, brought through music. I hope you all have felt, what i'm talking about. Honestly, sometimes, I can feel my whole being, being consumed by terrible thoughts, terrible feelings. Sometimes, so intense that I feel out of control, completely. Where I am no longer Kiri Reisner, but merely just a body. and...then my saving grace comes, once again. its always there. and when it hits...EVERY previous feeling is crushed, and whats left is an overwhelming sense of peace. of calmness, and reassurance. 

you guys, whoever reads this, I want you to know, that I believe in Christ. I believe that He knows EXACTLY who I am. He knows everything I'm going through, every emotion I bare. and he even knows why I do the things I do, even when I don't. He is my Saving Grace. He is my Redeemer. He is my Light. and my Hope. Without him, I know I would have given up on myself, and on life a long time ago. The burdens I bare within my mind, and my heart, are far to deep to have carried this far, alone. I know He has helped me, and will continue to do so, for as long as I live. He believes in me. and has full faith in me. Unlike ANYBODY I know. I owe every thing I am to Him. He blesses me far more, than I EVER will deserve. I love him. 

Know this about me, please. Because, yes I do complain some. and yes, I do seem depressed some. and yes, I am a wee bit crazy. But underneath all of that mess, is a true testimony of something far, far, greater than myself. and THAT is what matters. THAT is the truth I seek. for myself to know, and you. 

Life is good, folks. Life is a beautiful, blessed journey. 
Just sometimes, its a little rocky.

(I'm sorry if baring my testimony over blog made anybody mad. I just felt it to be correct..)

(also, here is one of those songs that soothed my soul. its just a clip. but I really recommend you find a way to listen to all of it. its beautiful.)

If I could be anybody.

If I could be anybody in this world, I would be her:

"She would never turn heads, and she wasn't what you'd call pretty, but she could be the kind of woman you would look at and think, I'd like to know her."

~Cynthia Voigt, Glass Mountain

yes, this is who I would like to be. I want to be interesting. and, clever. I want to be worth knowing. A breath of fresh air. If I could be anybody, I'd want to be strong, and clean. I would want to be powerful in speech, and peaceful in presence. If I could be anybody, I would want to be humble, and loving. The kind that people tag as real genuinosity.  If I could be anybody, I would want to be a hard worker, a classic girl. If I could be anybody,  I'd want to be the kind of women that you would come to for anything. I would want to sooth your fears, and give you hope. I would want to be the women that you never hear negativity from, because she knows there is always good somewhere. If I could be anybody, I would want to know and be proud of, my own self worth. And believe that God would help me with anything, because I'm worthy of his love. If I could be anybody, I'd be far from the worlds definition of a perfect women, and closer to Gods definition. And I would enjoy every minute of it. If I could be anybody, I would be the kind of women that would change the world. by simply being all that she can be. If I could be anybody, I would be far from what I am now, and much more. 

Good thing there is always room for change. and improvement.

a friend

Tonight, I had a long day at work. 

and while I was finally cleaning the lobby, after close. 
I was reflecting on all the things that were overwhelming me at the moment.
Needless to say, my face probably wasn't the happiest. 

THAN, I went to take the garbage out. 
while I was on my way back, a strange car pulled into our lot.

It was a friend. 
My friend says she saw me through the window, and it broke her heart to see me look so sad. I knew off the bat she was hurting. But, she took the time out of her day, to come say hello to me, and give me a hug. I love this friend. What a special girl. 

I want to be like this friend. I want to see others, when they don't think I can see them. And than I want to help them. and give them a hug. 

It gave me hope. 

If I were...

 

If I were a month, I'd be November.

If I were a day of the week, I'd be Sunday.

If I were a time of day,I'd be eight o'clock in the morning.

If I were a planet, I’d be Earth.

If I were a sea animal, I'd be a walrus.

If I were a direction, I'd be East, always just a little of course.

If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be a big comfy chair with a pink and blue, floral print.

If I were a liquid, I'd be water.

If I were a gemstone, I'd be a citrine.

If I were a tree, I'd be a grandmother willow.

If I were a tool, I'd be a hammer.

If I were a flower, I'd be a tulip.

If I were a kind of weather, I'd be the kind right after a storm.

If I were a musical instrument, I'd be the cello.

If I were a color, I'd be some sort of blue.

If I were an emotion, I'd be gratitude.

If I were a fruit, I’d be a peach.

If I were a sound, I'd be silence.

If I were an element, I'd be water.

If I were a car, I'd be an old light blue bug.

If I were a food, I'd be something delicious, but not worth the calories.

If I were a place, I'd be a wild flower field.

If I were a material, I'd be cotton.

If I were a taste, I'd be something sweet, like strawberry.

If I were a scent, I'd be warm vanilla.

If I were an animal, I'd be a bird.

If I were an object, I'd be a note.

If I were a body part, I’d be eyes.

If I were a facial expression, I'd be a deep look.

If I were a song, I'd be "On my front porch, looking in" by Lonestar .

If I were a pair of shoes, I'd be barefoot.

inspired by her.

old indeed.

it seems all i do is

write and erase.

wake up and fall asleep.

say what i feel and contradict myself.

put on my same face and continue to walk in the same line.

using words like "someday" and "maybe" and "you'll see".

old indeed.

where to stop and where to begin i never know.

my minds just a race track for your thoughts to beat mine.

here we go again.

around, and around, and around.

the end.

What the?

I got taken out of first period today by my assistant principal. The reason? My teacher was concerned that I am deeply depressed. I simply can not hold in my amusement for this. After all my life, THIS is the day one of my teachers decides I'm depressed? ha, first off, I'm not even. Second, it was FIRST period. EVERYONE is supposed to be tired during first. and third, I've had much much much worse days than today. I'm just anxious for spring break. and tired. and achy. and stressed over current and future mula probs. But its no biggy. We've all got some sorts of somethings going on. don't we?

However, there is something I do want to write about. and that is numbness. Let me tell you a little about being numb.

numb

/nʌm/ Show Spelled [nuhm] Show IPA adjective-er, -est, verb

–adjective

1.

deprived of physical sensation or the ability to move: fingers numb with cold.

2.

manifesting or resembling numbness: a numb sensation.

3.

incapable of action or of feeling emotion; enervated; prostrate: numb with grief.

4.

lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent: She was numb to their pleas for mercy.

This is what man says about being numb.

numb.

/nʌm/ Show Spelled [nuhm] Show IPA adjective-er, -est, verb

–adjective

1. more of a pain, than feeling pain.

2. difficult to kick.

3. felt by many.

4. life destroying.

this is what kiri says about being numb.

the end.

vain reptitions.

there are a few things i'm wishing for tonight.

Inner peace.

strength.

and the ability to change.

Since hearing about Chile, my spirit has been on edge. I'm not sure what to make of it. How could something so tragic happen, right after something has already taken all of our provisions, all of our money, our prayers, our thoughts? why did it happen? why can't i help? And, why when there are MILLIONS of people in unfathomable pain right now, is it so easy for us, to go one with regular life? We still complain, we still take to much, give to little. Our hearts STILL are selfish. Whats it going to take? A natural disaster, right here in our own home land? It shouldn't. I wish we could all stop our lives, and help. I know things don't work that way, but I can't help but wish that they would..On a more personal level, ...I can't seem to find it within myself, to fathom the pain and the horror thats been brought to our brothers, and our sisters. I won't look at pictures, I won't read the news, I won't talk to people about it. Its as if I want to dismiss it, like nothing has happened. It frightens me. and makes me feel vulnerable. Yet, at the same time, I want to rush there, and do all that I can. But, I can't do much. Sigh, I don't know. My spirit, and my mind, are so scattered right now. I don't know what to think of anything.

On top of this feeling, is the feeling of failure. Its all around me. I have one week left of school this quarter, and six hours of restitution to make up. a job to start, and music to pass off, and excel in, and two classes that are pathetically failing. When it rains, it pours. Right? ha.. I wish I was strong. you know? I wish I could handle things well. I wish my brain thought on a regular process, and that I didn't make up so many excuses for the reasons why I make stupid, stupid choices. I wish, I wasn't so head strong. But, at the same time, I wish I could believe in myself, and what I think. Which doesn't even make sense.

I'm my own worst enemy.

I also hope that everything turns out though. and that I can make it through this week, without getting yelled at. by anyone. and be able to make everyone counting on me, happy. Doubt worthy. But its a prayer I still have. sigh.. :( I just want to curl up in a ball on some grassy hill far far away, and never wake up. That way I wouldn't be able to disappoint anyone. or bother anyone.

also, when i talk like this, I'm not really complaining. I know it sounds like I am, but really I'm not. Just trust me on that one. I'm just trying to put down all the things scattered within my brain. Really.

I hope things change. And soon. and for the better. for everyone. It seems like there are so many people out there, that are SO good! They have good hearts, and good intentions, and they just deserve the best. I want to see someone who truly is trying their hardest, be rewareded. In a big way. I want to see some lifes being changed here, for people I know and love. and look up to. Its not much to ask for. I don't think. But, even if it is, its a worthy asking. Seriously, I am surrounded by incredible people. That deserve more than they crap they are dealing with. Please, someone help them. anyone. give them a change they deserve. I will even approve of Robin Hood style.

Why do I hurt people? why is it so hard for me to do, what I know is right. and what I believe. why do i set myself up for failure? And why do i never try my hardest? I'm truly a pathetic excuse for a girl. for a daughter. for a morman. for a friend. for a sister. a niece. a grand daughter. a citizen. a student. and any other category I could be placed in. I watched forever strong today, (a really really good movie.) and i envy those players. the motto of the movie is "the key isn't to build a champion ship team. but championship men. and a man who is a champion, is forever strong." I wish i was forever strong. I wish i has character to look up to. I wish i was someone that would move a person to become more than what they thought they could be. What i want for my life,is to be a tool in the hands of the lord, to bring people to the gospel of Jesus Christ. to bring them undeniable love. and peace. I want to help people believe in themselves, and who they are. to bring truth. And it kills my spirit, to see myself day after day, create a pathetic child. We ALL could be something great, for someone else. We are ALL meant for great things. But we have to be strong, to get there. we have to be tough, and on edge. We can't let our guards down for even a moment. or the world will take us over, with every vice, and every sword they know of. i hate it. I hate being vulnerable. pathetic. useless. tired. shiftless.

..I don't know what to do anymore. I need something to kick me into shape. beat me till i come to my senses. till i feel so true, genuine, and unforgettable emotions. i'm numb. ...I need some light...and I need to believe that i deserve at least that. so my heart, and my eyes can be open to that which may be sent to guide me. Or else, all is in vain. ..agian. and again. and again.

keep the faith.

keep the faith.

keep the faith.

but how?