I'm not rather sure why I choose tonight to let you in,
but nonetheless, here's a peak into my personal life.
To say the last couple of months have been a breeze or a dream come true, would be a lie. A lie that might actually get me to laugh a little bit, it's so outragious.
No, in fact, the past couple of months in my history have been
loaded.
preasuring.
scary.
daunting.
unimagineable.
difficult.
strange.
and I'm sure many more inapporiate words.
In the past couple of months, my boyfriends son was born.
He is a darling baby. Supposedly very happy and peaceful. I'm sure the kind of baby we all hope to be blessed with. His name is Paden.
In the past couple of months, I've recieved two new jobs.
Jobs I love and adore, and am so grateful for. But their demands can be a little daunting.
In the past couple of months, I have found myself in hidden debt that even the thought of it tends to make me want to drive off a cliff.
In the past couple of months, I've lost some sight into what always seemed to be a steady flow in my life. The Gospel, the Spirit.
In the past couple of months, I have had to deal with the most out rageous hormones I have ever dealt with. Seriously, I don't think i have ever been this high and low.. and that's saying something.
In the past couple of months, I have had thoughts and feelings that are almost over bearing. Ones I am not used to having. Ones that I feel are eating my spirit alive.
In the past couple of months, I have lost a large amount of contact with my very best friend in the entire existance of humanity.
In the past couple of months, a lot has happened.
Strangly, though my little world has crashed around me, there is still positive light. I think that no matter how bad life gets, there will always be those rays of hope. And I know I am loved enough, and fortunate enough, that God will never leave me completely in the dark. I don't know why, but he hasn't left me yet.
Often times I look at my life and wonder why I couldn't have just made it easier on myself and others. Why couldn't I make obvious choices that would propell me into the perfection our specific society desires to see in young women? Why couldn't I be happy with the demands of a normal life? To my dismay, I don't have an answer to this question. It isn't because i search out the difficult. And it isn't because I am trying to "say something", and it certainly isn't because i thought life "on the edge" would be fun..
No, there is simply no answer.
In fact, this seems to be my reoccuring theme. No answer. Surely all those who have passed through their twenties have felt this way before.. questioning every part of who they are, and where they are, and who the people around them are...
I guess I just can't seem to find the air hole of space, others around me seem to be dancing in.
I want to be on my own. I want to make my own decisions, and do exactly what i want to do, without being scared. I want to accomplish the things I have dreamed of accomplishing, and I want to be myself. entirely.
I guess in a way, I do want to grow up.
and in other ways, I don't.
But mostly, I want a place in my life where I can talk freely about how I feel, and what is going on.
I've elminated every outlet, and it seems to be slowely eliminating me.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is, life is hard.
and I am having a really really difficult time.
and I don't know what to do.
but i want the space and time to figure it out on my own.
and i am grateful for the goodness i still see everyday.
despite it all.
and i need to stop being afraid of you.
