This morning i witnessed J pausing to pray before he rode away on his motorcycle.
To see my big, hard working guy humbly bowing his head to ask or thank, or just talk to God before he began his day.. was a sweet moment. I love being able to see the good choices, and tender changes my handsome makes.
Each of us, each day, can make a difference just by the example we set. Even if we don't feel ready to be an example. Sometimes just the strength we have to try try again, is the perfect step.
Against everyone and their dogs will, I'm still jobless.
I still haven't decided upon school.
& I still am not ready to take any life altering steps.
Sorry, but not sorry.
I realized last night, through all the stress and worry, that I am okay with waiting for that "pull." That I can appreciate the time it takes to make a good decision. & I am grateful I have the ability to do so. Even though that "ability" is questioned by a few, or a lot.
I am not a fraud, I do not wish to be waited upon, I am independent, I do not scoundrel, I am not sad, I do not use or abuse, I am grateful.
I'm in love with a great man. He is honest, hard working, kind hearted, fearless, & passionate about what he wants in his life. I appreciate and love all of these qualities about him. Perhaps more right now in this very moment, then ever before.
why?
Because him and i are completely opposite and so much the same. His way of life is a beautiful one, and I can rest assured knowing he will get where he wants/needs to be, when he wants/needs to be there. And by accepting, and believing this, I have come to the knowledge that just as his way of life is spectacular, as is mine.
It's different then his, but I have the same amount of passion and belief in my ideas as he has in his. so, they are the same.
i believe that dreams and goals can be achieved in a numerous amount of ways. I believe that there is no set sequence to life. I believe that we must live first, and work second. I believe we must put our hearts and souls into whatever it is we dream about. I believe that waiting is a game for fools. I believe that imagination should never run dry, and doing odd things is a good thing. I believe a house with a thousand spare bedrooms, is better then a house with a few larger fun rooms. I believe country life is essential, and city life is superb. I believe we can be everything we want to be all at once. I believe in people. I believe in princess. I believe in me.
It used to drive me up the wall when J would tell me I was thinking about things the wrong way. Now I appreciate those comments, because it means I'm staying true to the differences that make me who I am.
You turned the ripe age of twenty four last Saturday, and unfortunately I wasn't able to spend it with you. Trust me, had I been there celebration would have been non-stop. ;) You know, I never expected love to come in a package like you. But yet,
even as I am still unwrapping, I can't help but fall even more so in
love with you. :)
Jeremy, I have never met a man who clings to his goals and beliefs as strongly as you do. I have never met a man who loves his family so deeply, as you do. I have never met a man who works as hard as you do, and likes it. And I have never met a man who has so easily persuaded me to see my world in a different way. I've never met a man quite like you before, and this must be why I am transfixed by all that you are. I hope you know you are great.
My dear, you drive me crazy. In such a beautiful wonderful way. :) You challenge me to test my thoughts, and talents. And you are the most stubborn head strong person I've ever met. Although i detest this sometimes.. I love you even more for it. :) I hope you never give in for what you know to be right. Without you, I'd still be wandering aimlessly. Pretending I know what I am doing, and still thinking I'm pretty cool for doing so. Like so many others, your love has brought me to the basics of life. And I know that that is all that matters. Thank you.
I may not say it enough, but I am SO proud of you. The strength, dignity, humility, and love that you have amazes me everyday. If I had to live a day in your shoes, I know I wouldn't be able to handle it with even half the class you have. And on top of everything, you still remain true to yourself, and your word. I love you so much for that. :) Your coming into my life, has brought me so much good. You have given me opportunities to expand myself, test who I am, reach farther then I thought, love deeply without knowing how, & you have helped me step out of every dark corners I placed myself in. You were never afraid, and you were always patient. In so many ways, you have saved me. I know that knowing your love has been a direct gift from God. Thank you Jeremy, for everything.
One of my all time favourite quote has always been:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envey, it does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails."
I want you to know that it makes me so happy to know that you exemplify this more then any person I have ever met. I love you babe. And though I wasn't able to be there for your birthday.. I hope we can celebrate many more together in the future. :) Happy Birthday my Princess, I cannot wait to kiss you in two months. :) Until then, Stay Classy. ;)
"Just remember, no matter how you feel, I will always love you."
One night we had an incredibly long conversation about my total fear of having daughters, in which he talked me into tears by his sweet words. I've never thought of myself as a sucker for a true romancer, but this princess has changed my mind. He can say the most perfect, absolutely needed, things all the time. I really love it. :)
funny things:
before we even started dating I started calling him princess. I always come up with odd things to call people, that sometimes just stick. (you can thank court, shelb, trev, car, & ames for that gift.) ;) and unfortunately for Jer, princess stuck. But not worries, I'm his frog. :)
what i can't wait to come back to:
hugs that never end on bad days & tummy rubs when I'm feeling under the weather.
best date:
When he stayed up till 2am talking to me about everything under the sun while i sat on my balcony. :)
Something I have known I have always wanted to do in my life was travel. I knew I always wanted to stand at the edge of Niagara Falls, or climb the Great Wall of China, visit the great pyramids in Egypt, cut through the jungles in Cambodia, or relax on the island of Jamaica. I knew it. I also knew I didn't want to travel just for leisure, but also to make a difference. I wanted to see lives change everywhere, not just in my home town. I never knew how I was going to travel. I just knew that somehow, I would. Not questioning it once, opportunities presented themselves. Without a college education, or a savings account that would rock your world, I've now lived in two different countries, and visited seven. I also have been blessed with being able to travel for leisure, and also to make a difference in a childs life.
Everything I said I was going to do, I have done. I graduated High School and without fear, stepped into an unknown world and became apart of it. And, I have loved every moment of it. Yes, I was occasionally miserable in freezing Moscow. Yes, at times i felt extremely alone. Yes, living in the ghetto of China isn't particularly pleasant. But I am willing to take all of this "bad", in exchange for all the incredible good.
I love finding myself in situations and places i never in a million years thought i would be. Whether its playing basketball till dusk with a bunch of Chines guys, or being smooshed on a bus holding a pie on our way to celebrate Thanksgiving in Moscow, or talking to a one legged seagull as i ate my delicious morning pastry in Stockholm. Moments like these aren't created in your mind, they are created by living life. When I am abroad, every day, I wake up to something new. something exciting. I wake up to a day where I can both sit back and relax, but also make a difference. Because I travel, I know bliss.
Being a mother and a wife, on the other hand, hasn't always been such a peachy idea. In fact, I'm sure if it wasn't for my LDS upbringing, becoming either of these two things perhaps may never have crossed my mind. Indeed I have been caught up in the excitement of wedding dreams, and naming your "one day children", and imagining just how perfect my home would be. And I won't deny that i thoroughly enjoy these conversations. But I can also say honestly, that above all things traveling has always come first in my mind.
For me personally. When I picture being a mother and wife, I picture contention, lost dreams, becoming complacent, mundane tasks, and never ending to-do lists. I visualize myself teaching my children all the wrong things, and having little boogers be their out come. I picture myself yelling at my husband for nothing, because he is already doing everything he can. I picture a house that is never clean, an "I wish i would have" journal that is always full, and a heart that could never honestly tell what it was feeling.
For me, I would rather travel the world and experience all it has to offer, teach hundreds of different kids, and essentially answer to no one.
But what do you do when you fall in love? Even though you weren't planning on it? What do you do when the person you fall in love with, dreams of providing for a family? & what do you do, if the one you love, helps you to see what you haven't see?
Today, as I talked to Jeremy, he asked me which I would rather have. A family, or to travel? After seriously thinking about it, i replied to him ( even thought I'm sure it's not what he wanted to hear) that I would choose travel. I told him that I have always wanted to be out there in the world experiencing and making a difference. I expressed to him how it feels to walk the streets of Dachong, or buckle myself into another plane flight. I told him that I already knew I could do good here, and that I could also be doing good for people back home. If I were alone and traveling. I also told him how i have never wanted to just have any ol' job, or do the same thing day in and day out. And I also told him how absolutely positively terrified I am of becoming a wife and mother. I told him that I knew I would be horrible at both, and that it was much easier for me to take care of many children for a few hours, then few children for all the hours. above all, I told him I was afraid.
to this he replied, "And what if you put the same gumption and motivation you have towards travel, towards family?" What if you went into family knowing you were going to be, or try every day to be, the best darn wife and mother there ever was? What if you woke up thinking, this is a new experience today, a beautiful one? What if you took all the bad that family life may deal you, and work at it one problem at a time? And always remembered that at least, at the end of the day if nothing else went right, you are surrounded by people you love. And what if, you let fear of being a horrible mother and wife, go? Just, let it go. (can you see why i love him?)
After thinking about what he said, i started to turn over each situation. Pastries on the shore of Stokholm became PB&J's in the backyard. Bus trips in Moscow became road trips to grandma's house. Buying myself a turtle at the local market became my son bringing home a stray dog. Freezing cold weather in Russia, became our heater breaking down in December. Bickering teachers, became impatient parents. And smelly ally-ways became dirty houses. Suddenly, everything flipped for me, and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel of Motherhood.
Then I thought of Sergey and his first day of class, and how we became best friends. I thought of how he would still ask for me, even though I had gone. And I pictured my own son loving me just as much. I pictured the tight bonds i created with the girls from previous adventures, and fell in love with the bonds of husband and wife. I pictured changing the life of my own child, and my life changing through the love of my husband.
Suddenly, motherhood and becoming a wife, weren't so scary. Of course, a lot more can go wrong, and consequences can be a lot more devastating. But because of this, much more can go right and those things will last forever. Family is one eternal round. One beautiful adventure.
When it comes to the question of travel vs family...
this girl, the one who always believed travel above all things, has switched teams.
But it's only because I have a great team leader. ;)
Jeremy is right. Actually, in a way, we are both right. And because we are both right, we are perfect for each other.
I always sort of thought I would never fall in love and get married young. In fact, I always thought that perhaps I would never get married at all. Because I thought this, I became okay with it. But, if God has given me the blessing of having eternal potential with Jeremy.. you bet your bottom dollar I'm going to take it. Because above all things previous, nothing has ever made more sense to me.
Yes, I am still scared to take a step in the other direction.
and no, I will not give up on traveling.
Jeremy and I will create our own wonderful world to wake up to.
& to be honest, no matter how scared I may get..
he will always be my first choice.
Since handsome and i have officially been together for two months now,
( i know, i can't believe it either. i feel like he has been a part of my life forever..)
i have decided to do a monthly post on our day. to recap all the goodness he is.
top best things he's said to me:
when he answered my phone call and the first thing i heard was, " i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you!"
"I will never leave you. I've worked too dang hard to get this far!"
funniest moment:
when i asked him to tell me something nice, he replied, "Babe, you are the fruit to my loom." haha maybe i was reaaaallly tired that night, but i couldn't stop laughing. still brings a smile to my face when i think about it. :)
what i can't wait to come back to:
how he is my personal space heater.
when we're driving and he puts his hand on my knee.
best date:
falling asleep on the phone together, unintentionally.
1. Jennie and i snuggled for a bit while watching Friends again. :)
2. Rainey translated for me when i wanted to tell a lady at our school that she was beautiful like a flower. I wish you could have seen her face afterwards. :)
3. I am emailing a guy back and forth who is doing everything he can to help us find an orphanage to work in :) and he is sending me tips on travel in China, and in life.
4. Rainey gave me my Chinese name. Goa ke lu. Goa, my last name, means tall. & ke lu means "lots of happiness", and is also another word for coca-cola. haha, i loved it :)
5. I told Jeremy I can't ever get him off my mind.. to which he replied, "I can't ever get you out of my heart."
if i could post pictures on blogger, i'd post a happy one. :)
1. I am thankful for the best boyfriend ever. Jer is the sweetest guy I've ever known. He is so soft spoken, honest, and genuine. Pure greatness resides in that man. :) I'm one lucky gal!
2. I am thankful for the three misfits. court-a-loo, shags, and trevasouris. Life has been pure hilarious bliss with these farts mingling around so often. :)
3. I am thankful for funny faces! Don't they just make your day a bit better each time you're graced by their presence?
4. I am thankful for subs so fast you'll freak. (and courts who treasured that moment with me today.)
5. I am thankful for people who say it how it is. Up front and personal.
6. I am thankful for Logandale. Where Jer is from. That place is a home away from home already. Everything is so... peaceful there. And we have some great memories together already :)
7. I am thankful for my dad who is so dang funny! and my mom who is always ready to help me where she can. :)
8. I am thankful for the house full of boys where I live. Such great companionship! & good good times. :)
9. I am thankful for soooooooo much extra time to spend with people i love before we part out separate ways once more.
10. I am thankful for hymns. I can always count on them for a good spiritual feeding. :)
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God; and his righteousness. And all these things shall be added unto you."
Jeremy and I decided that this is our goal together.
He and I have set a lot of personal goals, and couple goals.
(precious right?)
but we have never lost sight of what our main goal should be.
With him, it seems all things are possible. Both the dreams I have dreamed on my own, and the ones we dream together. And even though I have lost sight for far too long, I still know where success lies, and so does Jer.
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