Disclaimer: if your going to read this post you have to promise not to leave anything contradicting what I say. I'm serious. If you do I will be very very very upset. More so then I am now. And it just won't be any good. Got it?
Now. I want you, my non-committal five readers I have, to know that there is only one person in this whole world I hate. ( and no it's not that mean girl, I got over that.) with no surprise, that person is me. I literally can nit stand the sight of myself. And I have many many reasons for that. I hate the way I can never commit. I hate that I'm a fluesy. I hate the way I look. I hate how I always want to be where I'm not and who I'm not. I hate that I always will find something to blame everything on. I hate the way I treat people. Even the ones I love. No, especially the ones I love. I hate that I seem to never learn from my mistakes. I hate that I feel all alone. I hate that I care about myself so much. I hate that I am never happy. I hate that I can never fully attach myself to any emotion. I hate that I cant tell which are my thoughts and which are anothers. I hate that I make choices based off of how and what other people think. I hate that I never feel like I enough. I hate how easily I forget what I always want and should remember. I hate.... I hate taking everything for granted. Especially the things that make my life, mine..
Yet again I have destroyed a relationship because of my anger, pride, and lack of strength and positivity. And because of my constant worry of the future or past. I have single handedly hurt great people... For no reason. I cut em down, make them feel like dirt, like they are stupid. And I don't even know why... How could I let myself get so far from feeling and so consumed with trash... That I allow myself to harm good people? Surely God is more disappointed in the way I have treated his children than in anything else I could have done against the rules.
...how did I get here again? And why do I still feel like I'm not leaving? I hate being in this place. In this state. I hate having the only true words that leave my mouth be "I'm" and "sorry". Hoe many more chances am I going to give myself? I need something to shake me up. To awaken me to my OWN life. To a life where I can think for myself. Where I base my personal decisions on kindness, and the moment. I'm tired of "living" for the future. Everytime I've gotten there... My "sacrifices" weren't even CLOSE to worth it.
..
Someone wake me up. And don't let me run away.
I am... So sorry. Not a person I know deserves to have the things I have said about them, even thought of. EVERY person I have been lucky enough to meet, is beautiful. Am worth everything. I used to really believe that. And you could feel it. I know you could. And now? I have stabbed you all on the back. Turn your backs on me. Shun me. Hate me. Leave ms to suffer agony. TEACH me, that I am wrong. Show me that I will always be wrong. Unless I start acting the way I TRULY believe. I honestly love everyone.. And want the best for them..I just don't show it because I hbe become a coward and a sponge of evil.
I dont know what it will take to get me away from where I am at.. But I'll take anything, ANYTHING... Over the pain I have caused you.
Sigh, I just... I hate it all ai much.
Now. I want you, my non-committal five readers I have, to know that there is only one person in this whole world I hate. ( and no it's not that mean girl, I got over that.) with no surprise, that person is me. I literally can nit stand the sight of myself. And I have many many reasons for that. I hate the way I can never commit. I hate that I'm a fluesy. I hate the way I look. I hate how I always want to be where I'm not and who I'm not. I hate that I always will find something to blame everything on. I hate the way I treat people. Even the ones I love. No, especially the ones I love. I hate that I seem to never learn from my mistakes. I hate that I feel all alone. I hate that I care about myself so much. I hate that I am never happy. I hate that I can never fully attach myself to any emotion. I hate that I cant tell which are my thoughts and which are anothers. I hate that I make choices based off of how and what other people think. I hate that I never feel like I enough. I hate how easily I forget what I always want and should remember. I hate.... I hate taking everything for granted. Especially the things that make my life, mine..
Yet again I have destroyed a relationship because of my anger, pride, and lack of strength and positivity. And because of my constant worry of the future or past. I have single handedly hurt great people... For no reason. I cut em down, make them feel like dirt, like they are stupid. And I don't even know why... How could I let myself get so far from feeling and so consumed with trash... That I allow myself to harm good people? Surely God is more disappointed in the way I have treated his children than in anything else I could have done against the rules.
...how did I get here again? And why do I still feel like I'm not leaving? I hate being in this place. In this state. I hate having the only true words that leave my mouth be "I'm" and "sorry". Hoe many more chances am I going to give myself? I need something to shake me up. To awaken me to my OWN life. To a life where I can think for myself. Where I base my personal decisions on kindness, and the moment. I'm tired of "living" for the future. Everytime I've gotten there... My "sacrifices" weren't even CLOSE to worth it.
..
Someone wake me up. And don't let me run away.
I am... So sorry. Not a person I know deserves to have the things I have said about them, even thought of. EVERY person I have been lucky enough to meet, is beautiful. Am worth everything. I used to really believe that. And you could feel it. I know you could. And now? I have stabbed you all on the back. Turn your backs on me. Shun me. Hate me. Leave ms to suffer agony. TEACH me, that I am wrong. Show me that I will always be wrong. Unless I start acting the way I TRULY believe. I honestly love everyone.. And want the best for them..I just don't show it because I hbe become a coward and a sponge of evil.
I dont know what it will take to get me away from where I am at.. But I'll take anything, ANYTHING... Over the pain I have caused you.
Sigh, I just... I hate it all ai much.
