kiri thinks: chocolate cake :)

while i was still half asleep this morning, i was convincing myself not to go to church, just because yesterday was a tough day for me, emotionally, and i just wanted to sleep in..(I'm a punk like that. :/) But, then my dream decided to slap me in the face and wake me up. Something it should have done a while ago..

I suddenly become the grand daughter of Gordan B. Hinckley and he invited me to a meeting with the quarm of the twelve. In it, i was sitting at the end of this long table trying to go to sleep, curled in my pajamas, when L. Tom Perry looked at me with a smile and said, "I have something to tell you." and then they turned on a video and it talked about how when you do something you don't want to do, you grow an inch taller. and inch better. and an inch wiser. .. i woke up with such a feeling of peace that, "yes. i am going to church today, and im going to hear something that i need to know." and, low and behold, it was true..as random as that is.. haha

Coming here, I sort of thought, i guess, that this would be an opportunity to start over again. With myself. I would come clear across the world, live with people i've never met, and do something completly new, and somewhere along the line, i would change.

Inside, i would fullfill my deepest wishes. I would become that strong women i've always wanted to be. I would find that..thing, that i always seem to be searching for, i would be happy inside. Truly, 100% happy.

I would loose my bad habits, and my mind would perhaps be clear.. for once.

But..I've been here for more than two weeks now, and surprisingly, to me, nothing is different. I feel the exact same way i always feel..

a little stuck. a little sad. and a little not good enough..

Yesterday, I was really struggling with this. It seemed all the goals i had made for myself, were already being destroyed by my bad habits..

My mind was constantly running, and there was no safety net to come back too...

And, i felt that strong constant searching within me.. the search that seems as if it will never end..

I tried talking to my roommates about it, and they suggest making goals for the day, something i knew i could accomplish. I thought this was a brilliant idea, and did just that. I wanted to buy cotton candy, and ride the ferris wheel. I did both...and perhaps they made me even sadder, when they didn't satisfy my hungry soul.

i was at a loss. i felt alone. and i didn't know what to do..

the same feelings carried on throughout the rest of the day, granted we did watch the most amazing Russian Folk dancing concert, ate our first russian mcdonalds, and made it home all by ourselves on the Metro, so there were points of happiness. But over all, when the day was over, and i was riding the metro back to the apartment, i couldn't help but feel the tears swell in my eyes. How could everything be so different.. yet the exact same?

I just didn't understand..i was left going to bed frustrated, alone, and hurt.

and then i woke up. and though those feelings of searching and those wishes of becoming more, are still very real, and very apparent, my heart has felt some love, and my spirit has felt some peace..

In church today, which was District conference, ( so we used head set translators, which was super cool!) i was able to hear some beautiful talks, and some important words of wisdom.

The firs talk was about hard work, and how important it was to put actions to your words. D&C 131.

then someone talked about getting a new heart from God, Ezekiel 36. and said, "Our obstacles happen to us, because God wants to raise us higher. He knows our potential. We can with stand all things." They focused on how we are all works in progress, our whole lives. And we can NEVER give up trying.

then there were key points of service, doing His will without question, being grateful, and becoming better disciples of Christ.

but i was not only taught through the talks, but also through the people around me. Silently i was taught of love, and patience through watching fathers and the children, and wives with their husbands..

I can not express to you how grateful i am for opportunites like this. It was a beautiful service. It was peaceful, and sweet and nothing extremely life changing..

but as i write this, i am realzing that not all things need to hit me with a huge "hello!" to be of importance..

sometimes i am tapped gently.. because Christ knows that, for now,.. that is all i can handle.

though i am still struggling, still sad, and still searching, Today, right now, I am at peace. Because i know that He is here for me, and is listening to me. and is preparing a way for me to learn..

and i am so grateful for that.

But, now that i've softened you up, go eat some Sunday chocolate cake with your family or roommates, and enjoy their presence.. for, its the sweet and simple things that will make the difference in the end. :)

i love you!

love,

KIri