yup, here I am. just going a little crazy. No, really. I'm going a little crazy. Picture this: inside of my head, I am shaking my whole body, I'm screaming a terrible scream at the top of my lungs, i'm throwing myself on my bed, throwing things at the wall, and probably busting some brain cells because my head is throbbing with pain.but, on the outside? I sit calmly on a bench at stare at nothing...
crazy in my head. silent in my heart.lost in my soul.
this is how i feel right now.
and i can't get it to stop.
I don't know what to contribute it too. my lack of spontaneity? my lack of feeling? all the stressful times soon to be arriving? the billions and trillions of rules and standards I must follow? mistakes I made? we ALL make? the feeling of not being enough? Like i said, I'm not sure what is causing this outburst in my soul, but its getting rather old. and, I'm afraid something is coming, and the consequences aren't going to be too good.
You know what I feel like? I feel like I'm a crazy person put in a white room, with a one steel bed in the corner, and a chair. I'm sitting there, and then I just can't take it anymore, I freak out. But before you know it, there's people right there, holding me down, telling me to shut up, and trying to stick some sort of medication in my thigh to make me go back to sleep. and, this is thus, the life i live. trapped in a white room, surrounded by people who think I'm crazy. BUT, in reality? THEY are the crazy ones. doing things they hate, just for money. Marrying people they don't love, just so they aren't lonely anymore. Going to school, because they are told, education is everything therefor, they are nothing without it. gorging themselves, or starving themselves, to become someTHING perfect. wasting away in emails, and texts, and online chats. leaving dusty books, old best friends, and favourite toys, ..behind. Laughing at imagination, prideful that they are smarter than children...its crippling. I feel crippled. I feel crazy. i feel lost.
I'm not depressed. I'm just crazy.
I feel so vulnerable sometimes too. Like anything could happen, and I wouldn't be able to do ANYTHING about it. I would be stuck. So, because i feel vulnerable, whats the point of living an actual life. with friends and learning, and growing? if, at any second something could just wipe it all away? sometimes, more now than ever, i really feel like this. i feel like lying in my bed for eternity, and never waking up. Just...laying there. wasting away like a big lug. because i don't want to feel vulnerable anymore. So, if i surrender to this sensation, than i'm no longer vulnerable. I'm theirs.
I feel terrified too. I'm too afraid to graduate. to grow old. to move out. to make real choices. to go to Russia. to get married. to be a mom. to go to college. to be an adult. I often times find myself not wanting to go any farther in life than where I have already been. I really feel, sometimes, that perhaps dying young would be a much better solution. Because than I wouldn't have the stresses of all of the above. or the worries of not being good enough for my husband, or my children. If I never lived to become a grown up, I would never have the opportunity to fail as one.
I feel like a disappointment too. I don't really want to go into this one. but let it be known, to whoever cares, that I am a 100% guaranteed failure. I mean, I'll fail at anything you give me. Actually, I'm SUCH a failure, i'm willing to bet you that if you gave me the task of failing, I would fail that too. ha, figure that one out.
But, you know what. No matter how strong these feelings I have get. or how often, i get them. or how much crazier they seem to be the older I get...there is always ONE thing, that can stop them in their dangerous tracks. always ONE thing, that can wipe out, in an instant, all the OVERWHELMING feelings. always ONE thing, that brings me to my senses. Always ONE thing that calms my entire being. ..
and that is the spirit.
The spirit that saves me, is often times, brought through music. I hope you all have felt, what i'm talking about. Honestly, sometimes, I can feel my whole being, being consumed by terrible thoughts, terrible feelings. Sometimes, so intense that I feel out of control, completely. Where I am no longer Kiri Reisner, but merely just a body. and...then my saving grace comes, once again. its always there. and when it hits...EVERY previous feeling is crushed, and whats left is an overwhelming sense of peace. of calmness, and reassurance.
you guys, whoever reads this, I want you to know, that I believe in Christ. I believe that He knows EXACTLY who I am. He knows everything I'm going through, every emotion I bare. and he even knows why I do the things I do, even when I don't. He is my Saving Grace. He is my Redeemer. He is my Light. and my Hope. Without him, I know I would have given up on myself, and on life a long time ago. The burdens I bare within my mind, and my heart, are far to deep to have carried this far, alone. I know He has helped me, and will continue to do so, for as long as I live. He believes in me. and has full faith in me. Unlike ANYBODY I know. I owe every thing I am to Him. He blesses me far more, than I EVER will deserve. I love him.
Life is good, folks. Life is a beautiful, blessed journey.
Just sometimes, its a little rocky.
(I'm sorry if baring my testimony over blog made anybody mad. I just felt it to be correct..)
(also, here is one of those songs that soothed my soul. its just a clip. but I really recommend you find a way to listen to all of it. its beautiful.)
