there are a few things i'm wishing for tonight.
Inner peace.
strength.
and the ability to change.
Since hearing about Chile, my spirit has been on edge. I'm not sure what to make of it. How could something so tragic happen, right after something has already taken all of our provisions, all of our money, our prayers, our thoughts? why did it happen? why can't i help? And, why when there are MILLIONS of people in unfathomable pain right now, is it so easy for us, to go one with regular life? We still complain, we still take to much, give to little. Our hearts STILL are selfish. Whats it going to take? A natural disaster, right here in our own home land? It shouldn't. I wish we could all stop our lives, and help. I know things don't work that way, but I can't help but wish that they would..On a more personal level, ...I can't seem to find it within myself, to fathom the pain and the horror thats been brought to our brothers, and our sisters. I won't look at pictures, I won't read the news, I won't talk to people about it. Its as if I want to dismiss it, like nothing has happened. It frightens me. and makes me feel vulnerable. Yet, at the same time, I want to rush there, and do all that I can. But, I can't do much. Sigh, I don't know. My spirit, and my mind, are so scattered right now. I don't know what to think of anything.
On top of this feeling, is the feeling of failure. Its all around me. I have one week left of school this quarter, and six hours of restitution to make up. a job to start, and music to pass off, and excel in, and two classes that are pathetically failing. When it rains, it pours. Right? ha.. I wish I was strong. you know? I wish I could handle things well. I wish my brain thought on a regular process, and that I didn't make up so many excuses for the reasons why I make stupid, stupid choices. I wish, I wasn't so head strong. But, at the same time, I wish I could believe in myself, and what I think. Which doesn't even make sense.
I'm my own worst enemy.
I also hope that everything turns out though. and that I can make it through this week, without getting yelled at. by anyone. and be able to make everyone counting on me, happy. Doubt worthy. But its a prayer I still have. sigh.. :( I just want to curl up in a ball on some grassy hill far far away, and never wake up. That way I wouldn't be able to disappoint anyone. or bother anyone.
also, when i talk like this, I'm not really complaining. I know it sounds like I am, but really I'm not. Just trust me on that one. I'm just trying to put down all the things scattered within my brain. Really.
I hope things change. And soon. and for the better. for everyone. It seems like there are so many people out there, that are SO good! They have good hearts, and good intentions, and they just deserve the best. I want to see someone who truly is trying their hardest, be rewareded. In a big way. I want to see some lifes being changed here, for people I know and love. and look up to. Its not much to ask for. I don't think. But, even if it is, its a worthy asking. Seriously, I am surrounded by incredible people. That deserve more than they crap they are dealing with. Please, someone help them. anyone. give them a change they deserve. I will even approve of Robin Hood style.
Why do I hurt people? why is it so hard for me to do, what I know is right. and what I believe. why do i set myself up for failure? And why do i never try my hardest? I'm truly a pathetic excuse for a girl. for a daughter. for a morman. for a friend. for a sister. a niece. a grand daughter. a citizen. a student. and any other category I could be placed in. I watched forever strong today, (a really really good movie.) and i envy those players. the motto of the movie is "the key isn't to build a champion ship team. but championship men. and a man who is a champion, is forever strong." I wish i was forever strong. I wish i has character to look up to. I wish i was someone that would move a person to become more than what they thought they could be. What i want for my life,is to be a tool in the hands of the lord, to bring people to the gospel of Jesus Christ. to bring them undeniable love. and peace. I want to help people believe in themselves, and who they are. to bring truth. And it kills my spirit, to see myself day after day, create a pathetic child. We ALL could be something great, for someone else. We are ALL meant for great things. But we have to be strong, to get there. we have to be tough, and on edge. We can't let our guards down for even a moment. or the world will take us over, with every vice, and every sword they know of. i hate it. I hate being vulnerable. pathetic. useless. tired. shiftless.
..I don't know what to do anymore. I need something to kick me into shape. beat me till i come to my senses. till i feel so true, genuine, and unforgettable emotions. i'm numb. ...I need some light...and I need to believe that i deserve at least that. so my heart, and my eyes can be open to that which may be sent to guide me. Or else, all is in vain. ..agian. and again. and again.
keep the faith.
keep the faith.
keep the faith.
but how?
